People I'd Like to see Butchered Like Hogs!

     A disclaimer: In recent years I have mellowed, to say the least, and developed a compassion for others such that I no longer feel the unabashed bitterness expressed below. (No, I have not been born again.)  For a time I was so embarrassed by the sheer hatred that emerged in this piece that I took it off the site.

* These days I can't really think of any reason why I should have wished Dave Thomas dead simply because in my mind he represented something negative.  Back when I wrote this I often said things like "I hate people that [do or think this or that]."   Today, however, I'm more inclined to say "I don't understand people that do or think this or that]."  These days, I retain my criticism, indeed, my cynicism, but have shed the judgmental bitter edge that was once almost inseparable from my humor, and which appears below.

     This is not to imply that today I am not at all judgmental of human beings today. I'm just not this much of an asshole anymore, and I think it's for the better. So, anyway, here are some thoughts from when I was 26.


Dave Thomas (of Wendy's fame): 
*
     I can't fully explain the scope of my hatred for this man but basically it stems from (1) my general disdain toward the celebration and marketing of poison masquerading as legitimate sustenance combined with (2) his annoying smugness.  I am particularly offended by his 'ethnic' ads, where American buffoons (including him, of course) speak bad French etc. in order to sell  'chicken cordon bleu' sandwiches and the like.  Now honestly, I'm no friend of the French for that matter either but ... anyway, I'd pay the price of a movie to see Dave drawn and quartered on the set of one of his commercials.  Someday he'll die of a coronary or perhaps colon cancer.  On that day my nipples will explode with delight. 

[Note: two years after I wrote this, Dave Thomas had heart bypass surgery]
 


Bill Cosby:
*
     Y'know, when I was a kid, I loved the man.  Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids was awesome.  When I was around twelve or so my dad took me to see him live on stage at Proctor's Theatre in Schenectady, NY.   But I fail to see why a man who, at times has earned over $48 million a year feels the need to prostitute himself in the manner of a 19th century minstrel show for Coca-Cola, Kodak, and (the worst) Jell-O pudding ads.  Granted, I'm sure he's under contract, but does he really need to be such a whore?  I am of the opinion that this man is — in the words of the little known Brooklyn band, The X-Negroes — to be Tomming hard! 

     On a side note, once Jeff and I were tripping in Central Park.  As we exited on the east side we came upon Bill Cosby walking around being Bill Cosby.  He was smoking a cigar and entertaining either friends or strangers (hard to tell), telling them something about the neighborhood or something.  I expressed some sort of disgust to Jeff who, I assumed, had seen the Coz and the scene around him.  Only hours later did I find out that Jeff had not noticed any of it whatsoever.  So, it remains my memory alone.


Tim Allen

    Do I even need to qualify this?  If you don't understand my dislike for him, I won't be able to explain it.  Home Improvement is currently one of the most popular television shows. I wanna start my own sitcom called Home Invasion.  Each week the characters will choose a household on which to pull the old surprise visit a la Clockwork Orange if you know what I mean. The challenge for the characters would be how to maintain the theatrical cutting edge for each unlucky group of victims.


Theodore Roosevelt:
*
     The man was a pig.  A pig he was and a pig was he.  Actually I like pigs (especially pot bellied hogs) so I suppose should refrain from using that word in a derogatory manner.  However, I'm perfectly comfortable separating its connotation as applied to humans from that of the beautiful, smart animal it actually denotes (an animal which I, yes, I eat even though I like 'em).  Anyway, as alluded to in Culture Freak #2, 'ol Teddy deserved to be slaughtered more than any hog.  Find any quotation by ol' T.R. and see if you don't agree. By the way, did you know that T. R.'s voice was uncharacteristically high?  I have a copy of a [the only?] recorded speech he made and believe me it's true.   Perhaps that attribute caused, in part,  T.R.'s macho/fascist freakdom.  If He was kinda short too. Y'know, it'd be cool if T.R. and Napoleon were forced to face off in a gladiator-style death match.  We'd have to allow Napoleon his sword, however or it could hardly be considered a fair fight.

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