Laurie and Lori's "Whole Being" Weekend
                                                               —Lori Katz (1998)

     I met the dolphin people at a weekend-long event that I attended a few years ago in San Diego.  I went only because I thought my friend had been saying the 'whole bean weekend,' like the celebration of the bean. I envisioned a silly weekend of eating only things made from beans and learning about growing beans, making things from beans, etc. Actually it was a "whole being weekend" — a very scary culty new age thing. I dragged along my good friend Laurie (who is easily my cynical equal) and we spent the whole time laughing to the point of pain. 

      Upon arrival, we were instructed to choose our 'hugging buddy' for the weekend. We were also reminded that only full hugs were allowed (no patting). The idea was to sign up for workshops throughout the day and do 'group' things at night. Laurie and I did not plan on participating, but we happened upon a 'rebirthing' in progress, so we peeked in the window.

     Inside, a gymnasium-sized floor was covered with people in sleeping bags in various emotional states. Some were sobbing, others were screaming. Laurie and I looked at each other and I could tell that she was as intrigued as I.  Suddenly, we were obsessed!  We had to experience a rebirthing session ourselves.  We checked the sign-up sheets but were very disappointed to learn that rebirthing was by far the most popular event and all of the slots were filled. 
     We decided to sign up for the thing that sounded most like rebirthinq and that turned out to be 'ocean birthing.'  Of course, we had no idea what to expect.  Our group (about twelve) convened on a little deck-covered clearing in the woods. There were two 'instructors': an enormously overweight woman and her tiny little Micronesian boyfriend who knew very little English. The woman told to us to stand in a circle and hold hands. She proceeded to tell us that she had lived with dolphins for some time in Micronesia and that she and the dolphins together would help deliver human babies in the ocean. I observed the other participants closely for hints of skepticism (of course careful not to make eye contact with Laurie, for that would trigger the inevitable laughing attack and I hadn't seen enough yet) but they all seemed to really be into it. 

    The instructor then asked us to close our eyes and put our left hand on the person to our right's heart and right hand on the stomach of the person to our left as she guided us in meditation.  She started vith some bullshit about being at one with the ocean and for each of us to concentrate on our 'dolphin parallel.'   Throughout this part, Laurie and I took turns silently laughing hysterically.  I could feel her body, through my hand on her belly, shaking violently which of course caused me to lose it.

    Then the worst thing happened.  Our instructor actually told us to clear our blowholes!   She was making dolphin sounds, acting like she knew how to speak dolphin and expected us to make the sounds of our blowholes being cleared. From all around us came the horrifying sounds of human dolphins . I could not believe what was happening. Finally I had mustered up the nerve to look at Laurie and I looked up just in time so see her grab her sandles and run off into the woods. I was left laughing out of control — the kind that is painful and can not physically be stopped. 

     I managed to stay until the end which was hard because I kept thinking that she was watching from the woods. Such was my encounter with the dolphin folk.

     Editor's note: Some years ago, I received some new age, bran-eater, dolphin-worshipper literature that attempted to sell me a bunch of ridiculous "tachyon" potions and talismans (in fact, the picture of the dolphin, and the silly woman wearing flippers were taken from their brochure.  It was around this time that I heard about this story. I thank Lori Katz for sharing it with us.